The 101 Guide To Writing the Ultimate Fanfiction
by Concept101
Summary: A satirical comedy focused around Post-5th-Year stories and tropes that surround them.
1. The Start

**This is a Parody inspired by one of my reddit rants. Just wanted to make sure that was perfectly obvious before this starts. Enjoy.**

* * *

 _ **Step 1: The Start**_

It is recommended that you start off in rock bottom. As in below the fucking bedrock.

If at all possible, dig into the core of the earth and let that angsty fire from the magma burn in your heart with the passion of a thousand suns.

Don't worry about that previous statement not making any sense from a thermodynamic point of view. Factual accuracy is something you should stop trying to achieve before you even _begin_ writing this.

Now, you are ready to start.

Your story should start with something about Harry wanting to kill himself or bitterly monologuing about how his life as the Wizarding World's Chosen One is hard and that he should be treated better. Throw in a couple of moans about Sirius dying being entirely his fault and trying to starve himself to death just so that he could go and apologise to his godfather for his mistakes.

If you can't bring your writing to be convincing and emotionally impactful, don't worry. Just insinuate that he was being fucked by Vernon or something.


	2. The Exposition

_**Step 2: The Exposition**_

Write, or more preferably just Copy a 6 paragraph long summary of the last 4 books in the series from some or the other Literature website and in _thorough_ explain why every single bad thing that happened was Dumbledore's fault.

That's some _riveting_ content right there. Your readers will _definitely_ not be bored or annoyed at all.

 _Definitely_

Next, don't forget to throw in a paragraph about how Dumbledore was porking Quirrel in the bum in the first year while paying off Ron with one hand and furiously dabbing with the other. Then comes the most important part of his setup as your story's villian. Letting your readers know that Dumbledore was also aware of everything related to the Chamber.

Now. Some readers are pesky little cunts. They try to ask for 'logic' and 'explanations'. Don't worry too much about that. Throw in whatever explanation you want to.

For example, it could be due to him being on some sort of God-cocaine shit that allows him to be omnipotent and control Dementors, because Dementors get real confused around stoned people. Using that control he sabotaged Sirius's attempt at proving himself to be innocent. He also knew from the start about Barty, and used Imperius on him to make sure that Harry was chosen in the Tournament and was almost killed by Voldemort.

Don't worry about _why_ he'd do that. He's high on God-cocaine after all.

* * *

 **This step is pretty common isn't it? How many stories have you read that have this step?**


	3. The List

_**Step 3: The List**_

Don't forget the List.

Don't you fucking dare forget the List.

I'll find you if you fucking dare forget the List.

Now that my threats are done, let me tell you about how you go about it.

On a square piece of paper, have Harry neatly write down 10-15 goals that he needs to accomplish to become awesome, as if he is so fucked in the head that he can't remember a few lines of bullshit that are supposed to be what his entire life from this point depends upon.

A really easy way to explain away that 'fuckedinthehead-ness' is to say that Lily dropped him on his head as a child.

Or that James flung him off a balcony.

Or Sirius sat on him as a dog.

Or Peter tried to bash his head in with a rubber ducky to impress good ole Voldyshorts/Moldyshorts/Vandalwart/Saggyballsack/Tickletittyface/Whatever-obnoxious-annoying-nickname-you-can-think-up-of.

Or Remus bit him, yet Harry's extremely-super-mega-awesome massive magical core completely assimilated the entire werewolf curse turning him even more powerful and super-mega-awesome wizard with the only cost being the loss of most of his IQ points.

The Goals in the List may range from the broad: Get out from under Dumbledore's thumb; to the specific: Eat a Snickers bar with a side dish of soap every day.

Something to note here is that the content in this particular step honestly doesn't matter. It's to make you feel better so that you can shit on the original version of Harry as much as you can so that by contrast your version of Harry will look good and not like a poorly cobbled together image of what you wanted to become but could never find the will or ambition in your entire life to do so.

Most readers skip over this anyways.

* * *

 **Thanks to u/ch1pp from reddit for inspiring this chapter.**


	4. The Escape

_**Step 4: The Escape**_

This is a crucial step of the process. Harry _needs_ to roll out of the Dursley crib and make his way to Gringotts to get shit done after all. If this step isn't done right, he won't be able to claim all his gold and titles before he can go on his massive shopping spree and destroy every bad thing in the world and make his way to all that pussy.

Now, since he's Harry and his luck is _awesome_ ; as evidenced by his dead parents and the regular attempts on his life; _just_ as he finishes his List, the Order guards switch from someone who could easily tear Harry a new asshole; like Moody or Tonks; to _Mundungus Fletcher_.

Why?

Because obviously, Dumbledore is a dumbfuck, and he hasn't learned _anything_ from the last time Dung was on guard duty and almost got Harry Kissed by a Dementor.

 _Obviously_

Hmm . . . come to think of it, maybe it's because he's tripping on all that God-cocaine. AHA! A NEW way to explain away plot holes! Awesome!

As an extra cherry on the top, just to make it all the more easy for Harry, Mundungus sits down and starts drinking and smoking a fat blunt of weed as soon as he is alone, conveniently allowing Harry to escape.

But _obviously_ , Harry can't just simply make his way out of the house and escape on his own. He has to _'make sure the Order don't know he's missing until later'_ or _'Give a thief like Mundungus his just desserts'_ or whatever excuse he needs to tell himself to justify slamming a shovel on a defenceless Mundungus's head.

If you feel like throwing in some pointless action to raise the tension for no reason at all, you can absolutely do that here.

I'll give an example:

 _ **~~~~~ooooooo~~~~~**_

 _Just as Harry made his way out of the front door and into the well-kept garden outside, Mundungus; who had been smoking his blunt and drinking his booze on the other side of the street; straightened up, and his head snapped towards Harry. A toothy smile spread across his ugly face._

" _Alrigh' there Harry?" he called out._

" _Just fine Mundungus. I'm just going out for a walk," Harry said, forcing his face into a polite smile._

 _Mundungus frowned,"You sure you aren't going to escape to Gringotts and fire the goblin that Dumbledore is using to control your assets?"_

 _Harry froze. Unfortunately, Mundungus noticed that instantly._

 _Throwing the blunt in his hand to the floor and setting his bottle of booze beside him, Mundungus jumped to his feet in one smooth movement before pulling out a Samurai sword with his left hand and his wand with his right._

" _I was told to not let you do that Harry. Dumbledore suspected it. And now, after I knock you out and get someone else to Obliviate you, Dumbledore will let me have some of his God cocaine," Mundungus closed his eyes and shuddered, as if he was getting pleasure from just the thought of that stuff._

 _Harry's eyes darted around as sweat started forming on his brow. He needed a weapon, and he needed it fast._

 _The garden shovel caught his eye, and without a second thought he made a dive for it. Mundungus saw him make the dive, and he instantly spun on his spot and disapparated, before reapparating right in front of Harry with his Samurai sword raised for attack._

 _Unfortunately for him, and fortunately for Harry, drunk apparation was a one way ticket to splinching._

 _Mundungus found himself missing his right hand and leg._

 _Just as he toppled down onto the floor, Harry gave a victorious laugh and rose to his feet with the shovel in hand. Instead of calling for someone to help the man who was bleeding out in the Dursley front lawn as anyone who is not missing half their IQ would do, Harry gave a heroic smirk before slamming the shovel into Mundungus's face._

 _THUNK!_

 _The pitiful moaning stopped._

 _Dropping the shovel back, Harry covered himself with his Invisibility Cloak and started to bunnyhop his way to Charing Cross._

 _ **~~~~~ooooooo~~~~~**_

Or you could just not bother and go with the simpler route. Just have Harry knock him out and piss in his bottle.

That's a framework for how this step should go and what are the first things that Harry should do once out of the Dursley house. Like I said, _utterly_ crucial.

* * *

 **Writing this is way more fun than I'd first thought it was going to be.**


	5. The Goblins

_**Step 5: The Goblins**_

Next thing you gotta do is get Harry that sweet sweeeeet Gold.

Make sure that the Goblins are rude to Harry for the first sentence, until he tells them his name/tells them their name/greets them in their language which he mysteriously learned from thin air.

That will give them an automatic orgasm and make them much more amiable.

Like this:

 _ **~~~~~ooooooo~~~~~**_

 _Harry – Good day. I'm here to see Griphook_

 _Griphook – *gasp* OMG HARRY! You remembered my name!_

 _Griphook falls to the floor along with every other goblin in the building, convulsing heavily as they all cream their tiny pants from the sheer pleasure that Harry uttering one of their names gives them. Harry watches confusedly as a couple of goblins crawl up to him and start humping his legs. Thinking that this is their own Gobbledygook way of communication, he shrugs and starts humping them back._

 _ **~~~~~ooooooo~~~~~**_

See? Easy stuff to write.

Harry then demands to be taken to his account manager, which will invariably be a Goblin appointed by Dumbledore who is stealing from Harry. He fires the Goblin and hires whichever other Goblin is the nearest.

They all look the same anyways.

Then, the newly hired goblin tells Harry that he needs to attend Sirius's will reading. Don't worry about how the newly appointed goblin knows all about all the wills immediately after being hired despite not getting any time to look at his documents or read anything. Don't listen to those that complain about it being a plot hole.

Plot holes add _character_ to the story.

In Sirius's will reading, there _must_ be some hokey holographic Sirius shit that doesn't fit in with the rest of the Harry Potter magic. It might be slightly inconsistent with the rest of the HP universe, but don't let that phase you.

This is fanfiction, and consistencies don't matter for shit here.

In the will reading, Sirius should say something that's supposed to be funny, call Tonks by her first name i.e. Nymphadora, give money to Ron and Lupin, call Dumbledore a dickhead, and emancipate Harry before telling him to use the Black money for whatever he wants. Throw in Sirius's flying bike into the mix too if you feel like it. Not that it'll matter to the plot in any way at all.

Next comes Lily and James's will reading, which conveniently won't have any hologram at all, just to spare the writer the effort of going through the chapter and writing another hologram scene.

#Writerlivesmatter after all.

In this will, James and Lily write down countless different care takers for Harry and call Petunia some choicely offensive names such as a muggle bitch or something. DO NOT forget the specific part where they say something about Peter only getting his share if he keeps their Fidelius secret. That is something they would _totally_ put in a will. I'll give an example:

 _ **~~~~~ooooooo~~~~~**_

 _In case of our death, Harry's custody should go to one of the following people._

 _1)The Longbottoms_

 _2)The McGonagalls_

 _3)The Weasleys_

 _4)The Abbotts_

 _5)The Bones_

 _6)The Greengrasses_

 _7)The Blueballs_

 _8)The Girthycocks_

 _9)The Xboxlivegames_

 _10)The Jebs_

 _UNDER NO CONDITION IS MY SON TO GO TO THAT BITCH ASS PUSSY ASS BIGOT ASS CUNT ASS TITTY ASS BUM ASS LONGNOSE ASS BULLY ASS BITCH CALLED PETUNIA DURSLEY OR HER FUCKED UP FAMILY!_

 _P.S. Peter if you betray us and give our address to Voldemort then we'll like, not give you any money, lol stupid. Got you! We're gonna make you stay loyal under the threat of losing some money. Let's hope Voldy doesn't make you betray us under the threat of your life._

 _ **~~~~~ooooooo~~~~~**_

See how seamless and perfect that is?

Now, from that, we move on to the next step, that is the Inheritance test.

* * *

 **I have a feeling that this might take a bit more than 5 steps.**


	6. The Inheritance

_**Step 6: The Inheritance**_

Next is the extremely super-mega-awesome Inheritance test that Goblins do for 10,000 galleons, but will do for free just because Harry is rich.

Don't forget to throw in some cool effects with blood falling into paper and then rising up to form the text showing the family names that Harry is inherited from.

The list of names must always be humongous and massive, and besides each of them must be an obscenely large amount of money that would set Harry for life and that make sure that he is the one who controls half the economy and has 90% of all dealable wizarding currency in his vault, which is located _deep_ inside Gringotts because it was built the 'oldest'.

Because that's how building caves works. You start from the bottom and then dig your way up.

 _Definitely_ not the other way around.

Of course, any reader with a basic knowledge of economy would tell you that hoarding money in a vault does nothing but _hurt_ an economy and if Harry were to put all his money back into circulation he would drop the value of the galleon by a _mile_ and ruin thousands of lives.

Don't listen to those know it all cunts.

You might be wondering how you would go about determining which family has how much money. There is a very simple method to do that.

Just smash your fist into the number pad of your keyboard 2 times.

Example:

 _ **~~~~~ooooooo~~~~~**_

 _The Most Ancient and Noble and Awesome and Crazy House of Ravenclaw_

 _Books - 1420_

 _Monetary Worth –527453542542 galleons, 536 sickles, 3568 knuts._

 _ **~~~~~ooooooo~~~~~**_

Fuck.

The right side of my keyboard shattered. I shouldn't have smashed it so hard.

Oh well . . . Nothing I can do about it now.

Anyways, read the following list of 'stuff' that Harry could get from those new swanky families while I go find a new keyboard.

 _ **~~~~~ooooooo~~~~~**_

 _1) Multi-animagus_

 _2) Rings that can cast magic_

 _3) Books on warding_

 _4) Pensieves_

 _5) Rare Familiar Eggs_

 _6) 10 humongous mansions_

 _7) 182 house elves with just about the shittiest names you can think of_

 _8) Lots and lots of wands_

 _9) Oodles of Muggle stock_

 _10) New super-awesome clothes_

 _11) A list of reasons why Divination is shit._

 _12) Convenient way to detect horcruxes from a distance_

 _13) Armour_

 _14) Swords and shit_

 _ **~~~~~ooooooo~~~~~**_

I'm back, now with a new keyboard. Let's get on with this.

What's that? What are you asking? How did I write the list if I was gone finding a keyboard? Oh come on man! Haven't the last few chapters taught you anything?! Let me reiterate the point to you so that you remember it clearly.

 _Plot holes add character to the story._

Got it? Good.

Now, the next 2 things are vital to this step.

Not to the story as a whole, since they'll probably be of jackshit use to the plot, but _very_ important to this step.

One is the _Rings_ , and the other is the _Titles_.

The rings obviously can't all be worn at once, since Harry has too many rings and not enough fingers, so they come with the handy ability to fuse together into one ring that can switch between all of them.

It also has the ability to hide itself.

This is _essential_ , since it allows you to have the power wank of Harry being politically powerful and at the same time lets you avoid the effort of writing all the political drama and media affairs that would come with being in such a position. Feel free to use 'Harry wanting to be anonymous' as an excuse to avoid all that difficult writing and stick to writing in already established settings like Hogwarts that you won't have to make the effort to describe.

To go with that cool ring Harry should get a swanky ass new name like _Harry James Dildo Pocket Pussy Potter._

Again, this is just for the power wank as well, since Harry won't use this full name anywhere else unless he needs a good long ego boost to recover from some of Malfoy's roasting or making new friends by telling how rich he is.

Because that's the _best_ way to make friends.

Bribing them.

Next, comes the 'Healing'.

This part of the step involves Goblins noticing that Harry is malnourished and for some random reason taking him to a _Goblin_ healer and not a human one. That Goblin doctor diagnoses the Horcrux within _seconds_ and conveniently finds a ritual to cure it.

After being taken to the 'Ritual Room,' Harry is told to suck on a mighty magical 'shaft' naked for 'Healing Magic' while the goblins furiously fap from the 'Observation Room'. Since Harry uttering their names makes them orgasm, they hand Harry a list of their names to say while he sucks on the 'shaft'.

Example:

 _Blogrot Sangruina Crampnook Kalamari Beguito Jose Mangosjo Battleaxe Rooksnout Snoopdog_

Harry, thinking that it's an incantation to destroy the horcrux, yells it as loud as he can, sending the goblins in the 'Observation Room' into an orgasmic fit of convulsions.

This must continue for a few hours.

Once the time has passed, Harry, now free from Dumbledore's manipulations after all the potions as well as the Horcrux have been purged from his body, thanks the goblins and merrily skips his way to Diagon Alley.

What he doesn't know is how he had just become the most loved _Goblin-Friend-With-Benefits_ ever.

* * *

 **Anything specific you'd like to see me write about in the Diagon Alley chapter? I'm open to suggestions.**


	7. The Shopping

_**Step 7: The Shopping**_

The next step in this guide is the shopping, and this is going to be _really_ important to the later story. This involves shopping in the Diagon Alley, with some Knockturn thrown into the mix just for the good fun.

In Diagon, you have to be sure to use overly polite and generic shopkeepers with no personality who will tell Harry exactly what needs to be told to make sure he buys whatever you want him to buy.

Make sure that once the shopkeeper sees Harry's ring, he turns into a little bitch and does whatever Harry wants him to do.

Here, there are 3 things Harry MUST buy.

 _1) A Trunk that has a room, a lab, a car, a resident time machine, ten libraries, ninety bedrooms and one blow-up sex doll costing a solid 2 million galleons._

 _2) ALL Hogwarts course books from all 7 years._

 _3) A Broom, probably called 'Thunderbolt' or 'Lightningbolt' or something similar that is 100 times faster than a Firebolt._

Harry could also buy some new swanky muggleclothes which Diagon Alley clothes shops conveniently sell. He could also buy some expensive quills, a new desk set, new cauldrons and potion sets, some knives, and Basilisk Hide Armour that he'd provide the materials for himself.

This is where one of Harry's rings conveniently shows the power to teleport to the Chamber of Secrets where Harry suddenly becomes an expert at skinning 60 feet long snakes.

After that, he moves on to Knockturn.

In Knockturn, the shopkeepers must be slightly rude to Harry at first, but much like the goblins, they'd get an orgasm as soon as they realise who Harry is and become much more amiable.

Just like Diagon, there are 4 things that Harry must buy in Knockturn.

 _1) MORE books, this time about Dark Arts, some of which contain a handy list of how to become the most powerful and intelligent person there ever was, as well as a convenient method of killing Voldemort._

 _2) A brand new custom designed Wand with 10 cores and 69 different woods, bought from some shady ass dealer who also conveniently sells a Pensieve and a Rocket Launcher._

 _3) CONTACTS, because glasses are SO out of fashion._

 _4) The Tattoo giving Harry new magical powers alongside making him looking totes awesome and rebellious. The tattoo must always be symbolic of the Marauders and Lily. No exceptions._

Once Harry has completed his purchases, he should then pull out his awesome credit card that he shows the shopkeeper, making the purchase smoother than Harry's future girlfriend's left buttcheek.

One thing that a few people seem to forget is that this step is basically your chance to fix anything you think is wrong with Harry. Just have him find an Illegal Potions Dealer, who sells him every single potion that he needs to change his physical appearance and turn into the meaty hunk that we all know he should have been.

Potions are the ultimate plot device for this sort of thing.

Harry could buy potions for a buff body, potions for floofy hair, potions for changing the ugly colour of his eyes into a 'sparkling jade', as well as a potions for a _huge_ dick.

 _Especially_ the last one.

This step is basically your plot neutraliser. If you don't want to go through the effort of having Harry gain skills and powerful weapons _throughout_ the story, then just give it to him here in one go.

 _~~~~~~~~~~~OPTIONAL~~~~~~~~~~~_

This step could also include an encounter with whichever girl Harry is going to be trying to penetrate.

Make sure to _make sure_ that you have the girl be infatuated with Harry as soon as she lays eyes on his new hot bodaaay. If you do bother trying to add some romantic conflict in there, make sure that she is still aroused by him to the point that all she can think about is his unnaturally huge penis.

The unnaturally huge penis, which ( _PLOT TWIST!_ ) was actually infected by _Elephantitis_ from the worms that the Shady potion dealer from Knockturn put in the potion.

* * *

 **The next chapter will discuss villians, like Ron, Hermione, Dumbledore, Umbridge, and Voldemort. It should be fun to write.**


	8. The Villians

_**Step 8: The**_ ** _Villains_**

In this step, we are going to be discussing our villains and how Harry deals with them.

 _ **1)Ron**_ – Ron, obviously, is going to be a scumbag who is being paid a bunch of gold by Dumbledore to spy on Harry and tell Dumbledore everything Harry does and says. This detail is vital, since a character _cannot_ be poor AND good at the same time. As everyone knows, poor people are always jealous insecure losers who betray everyone they are close to at the first sight of money.

Anyone who says otherwise is just plain _wrong_.

Not just wrong, but _wrong_. As in, italics wrong. For those of you writing noobs that don't know, putting wrong in italics makes a person even more wrong.

 ** _2)Hermione_** – Hermione should be portrayed as a know-it-all annoying girl who is being bribed with books by Dumbledore to push Harry down and lower his self esteem to make him more amiable to Dumbledore's plans.

For some reason, she portrayed her part as Harry's friend to _perfection_ for the last 5 years, but upon seeing Harry's hot bod and humongous bulge, she becomes hot and bothered and loses all of her acting ability.

This, of course, is unless Hermione is the chick Harry is going to bang. If she _is_ the chick Harry is going to bang, then she must be portrayed as a smart and sexy angel who had been trying to take Harry away from the obviously corrupted Ron all this time.

 ** _3) Umbridge_** – It is tradition in fanfiction to make Umbridge suffer a particularly bad death.

For example, Umbridge is mysteriously found having an orgy with Aberforth, a goat, and the Giant Squid. Unfortunately, no one told her that letting the Giant Squid penetrate her was not only fucked up, but would also fuck her up.

She was forever known in the Hogwarts lore as the 'Giant Squid's Condom'.

 ** _4) Voldemort_** – With the help of the dope Goblin-tech that Harry gains due to being the most awesome _Goblin-Friend-with-Benefits_ ever, he easily finds and destroys the horcruxes. He then swiftly kills Voldemort in a duel after he is thoroughly and heavily intimidated by Harry's massive girthy throbbing magical core.

 ** _5) Dumbledore_** – Portray him as evil, but not competent or smart. He has to get outsmarted by a 15 year old after all, so you can't have him becoming too smart and using minimal resources to thwart whatever plan that your or Harry's tiny little brain could think of.

Write a scene of him quoting some Nazi shit and Harry recognising it instantly, almost as if both of them have read Hitler's biography thoroughly.

Example:

 _ **~~~~~ooooooo~~~~~**_

 _Dumbledore – Nein nein nein nein nein nein NEIN! NEIN! NEIN!_

 _Harry – OMG! Dumbledore! You quoted Hitler! You're so evil! I'm going to shove my magical core in your magical core's bum and kill you!_

 _ **~~~~~ooooooo~~~~~**_

I was too lazy to go google some Hitler quotes, so you can do it yourself.

Next is another important piece of detail. Naturally, Dumbledore has a secret Dungeon where he murders newborn puppies to make God-cocaine, and he uses a Super-Imperius to keep every wizard on the British Isles under control.

If that's not enough the make him appear evil . . . I don't know . . . maybe have him jack off to a picture of a dead kitten if you want to take it to the next level.

* * *

 **The next step is probably the longest and most detailed step ever.**


	9. The Story

_**Step 9: The Story**_

Doesn't matter.

* * *

 **Sorry for this extremely long chapter. Hope you weren't too intimidated.**


	10. The End

_**Step 10: The End**_

There is only one way this epic story of epic awesomeness can end, and that is with the following epic message as the last epic chapter:

 _ABANDONED_

If you feel like giving some excuse to explain away your lack of creativity and thought, just leave one of the following messages as well.

 _1) Can't bring myself to delete_

 _2) On Hiatus_

 _3) NOT WORTH READING_

 _4) ACCOUNT ABANDONED GO ELSEWHERE_

 _5) Abandoned due to computer and file loss_

 _6) Being REWRITTEN_

 _7) Next Chapter coming Soon_

 _8) Review or I won't post_

With that, this story has come to an end. Thank you for reading, and hope you found this guide helpful.

* * *

 **There you go. Let me know if you liked the read or not.**


End file.
